I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
