Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
