and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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