I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
