I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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