I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
