I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i think my cat just said my name.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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