I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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