hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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