You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
