Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
