He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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