He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I cockslap morals
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
