I want to have your abortion
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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