im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
