I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
