i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
