Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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