She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
