Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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