Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
