his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
