My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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