we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
