Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
