God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
