we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
