My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
