I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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