omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
