I'm drive I can fine osifer
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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