I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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