I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
