If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We just shotgunned beers for America
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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