my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
