it hurts more in the daytime
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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