Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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