I think I died a long time ago.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Sorry about my life...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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