I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
