someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
