We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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