A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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