mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
