somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
