I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
