I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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