Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
