i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have fence marks all over my body
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
