I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Randomize
