I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
