I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
