thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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