u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
