How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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