I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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